When my spirit feels anxious, scared, discouraged, I feel desperate to escape that feeling. I shrink into a black hole centered in my belly and feel I am collapsing into myself. I am disappearing. The sinking, heavy feeling eats at my palms, too. It hurts, and I hold myself in the feeling, sometimes briefly, sometimes longer. Then, a humming that comes up within me– my spirit itself fighting for air. In the midst of the despair, it desperately finds a way out into the open. It cries out for connection– for a trusted heart, for an outlet. I yearn to find solace in someone or something familiar. Right now, that something is writing.

Moments ago, I felt myself spiraling into a lonely and despair-filled place. The constant barrage of current events, conflict, disaster, the amplification of everything harmful and destructive to humanity by those in power, and feeling so powerless against it all led me to that place.

I thought about my son. I thought about the challenges we are up against as we try to raise him to be a good, loving, and kind person in this broken and hateful world. I see his goofiness, the way he loves to sing and dance, his sense of humor. I see how sweet he is, and how intelligent– the little ideas he’ll come up with, like calling a piece of paper a hat after balancing it impressively on his head, or the way he’ll mischievously giggle at us before initiating a game of chase, or the way he’ll browse all the way through a playlist in his toy radio so he can dance and skip to his favorite song. I think about how I want him to keep all of his joyful personality, and I think about all the outside forces that are here to threaten it.

My spirit cries out for hope.

And in that call, I think about all those who have inspired me throughout my life. I make a mental list of my friends, family, acquaintances who I know I can turn to. I think about the good I have seen in people, even in those who I have disagreed with or even fought against in the past. I think about examples of resilience, and I think about the different challenges I have survived thus far. I again think about my son. I know that if I seek hope, I must seek how I can become hope. If there is anything I want to see more of in the world, I must find ways to become a channel for it. Where can I find hope? With faith in Love, I can call it up from within me.

What do I want to bring forth into the world?

Courage. Dignity for all people. Peace rooted in Justice. Radical Joy. Uplifting Love. Compassion. Truth.

All things that our algorithms tell us are unpopular. I choose to unplug from the despair. I choose to become hope in any way I can. And today, I choose to write.